That day in...
by Nicole Bollhalder on Friday, May 13, 2011 at 1:50pm
Thursday April 7th was the worst day I have ever experienced....The day started with light drizzle, low-laying fog over Lake Zurich and a trip - short in kilometers, but long and endless emotionally - carrying the remains of my brother.
The feeling of having him this close, but also knowing that what we carried, was not really him, knowing he is no longer what he once was, knowing he is somewhere, anywhere, but not here, knowing I never got the chance to actually say bye, knowing that we have lost a person we loved, still love and always will love, knowing my mother's bottomless sadness, knowing that life is not fair and even cruel, knowing that things have to go on, knowing the fear of eventually forgetting how he looked and spoke, knowing that with time pain does get easier....Knowing all this, even on that day, even now, I am still in disbelief and I am angry, angry that I have to feel this helpless, this weak....this lost.
Looking out the car window that day, the world had lost its color, its beauty, its taste. The rain eventually stopped, the fog cleared and the sun came through. But the pain remained...
On that day, right after the sun set, we said our 'good byes' to Roger, to one of the male figures in my life I owe my upbringing. To one of my 'musketeers'...
What is left now, on one side, is a deep and tormenting emptiness; and on the other side, a growing Olive tree, branching out and shining with life in the Swiss-Italian sunshine...
